Tag: #depression sucks

Depression and other road blocks

It’s been over a year since I posted.

I haven’t accomplished much. I finished my poppy rail fence quilt, and a small quilt for Ruby; I made an easy Trip Around the World quilt for my mom for Christmas; I finished the top of a green quilt I was making for myself; My bff commissioned me to make her a quilt (and I’m ashamed to say, nearly a year later, it’s still a WIP).

Depression hit me like a fucking train. Until recently, when I revisited my last post, I didn’t even realize just how long the feelings of hopelessness had been with me. (By my estimates, it’s been two and a half years, and it breaks my heart to realize Ruby hasn’t really ever had a sane mother.)

I thought I could fight this alone. I’d been to therapists before. I knew what to do.

Nope.

I tried going to therapy again. The therapist I ended up with was a Trump supporter, and in my eyes, while not a bad person, definitely someone who views the world and other people differently than me. In the end, he was pretty useless.

I told myself there was something wrong with me. That therapy wouldn’t work, and I’d just have to force myself out of the depression on my own.

And then it all got so much worse.

I started to lose the ability to connect with the things that brought me joy. Like quilting. Quilting definitely went first. But then so did cooking. And reading books, watching movies, playing games. I was down to “dinner with BFF” and “playing with Ruby” as the last two things that I could actually consistently squeeze some enjoyment/joy out of, and I got scared. What if I lost those things too? I couldn’t deal with that. (Yeah. What you’re thinking? That’s exactly how I mean it.)

I tried going back to therapy. Except the therapists in this area were either completely booked, never called me back, or stood me up. A friend recommended doing 100% teletherapy with an office two hours away. I was desperate enough that I tried it.

Let me tell you – this therapist is magical.

She listened to me for 20 minutes, and then was like, “You need to go to a doctor and get X, Y, Z tests run. I’m convinced this is not 100% mental for you. If it ends up being 100% mental, we will battle it together. But we should eliminate these other things first.”

I hadn’t been to a doctor in a really long time because whenever I do go for something, they just blame my problem on my weight. So why bother going?

Therapist said I could respectfully tell any stupid doctor off and try going to different ones until I found one I liked.

Which. Okay. I could try this. For Ruby.

I lucked out on the first try. I made an appointment at a small office that was staffed only by women (because I could just not take another stupid man blaming all my problems on my weight and not taking me seriously). Woman doctor listened to me explain my symptoms and what my therapist recommended. I bawled the whole time I was explaining it because I was convinced I was going to have to prove there was something wrong with me. That it wasn’t my weight. That I really just felt like life was nothing but hopeless bullshit.

But when I stopped explaining, she just smiled and said, “You have PMDD. We can prescribe an anti-depressant to manage your symptoms. It’s going to work differently for you, since this is technically different than depression, but this is a good thing, because you’re going to have almost immediate results.”

I was doubtful. Because how could some stupid little pill make all the hopeless bullshit go away?

(It might be worth noting at this point that tests were also run to confirm nothing else was going on – I’m actually really healthy except for a vitamin D deficiency, which is an easy fix with a vitamin.)

So a week and a half after talking to Magical Therapist Woman for the first time and a few days after talking to Super Doctor Woman I started on the antidepressants (and vitamin D). Within two days, I felt like a completely different person. It was like someone flipped a switch inside my brain and was like, “HERE YOU GO! GO BE HAPPY!” and I actually could be happy?

I didn’t realize how horrible I had felt until I was slapped in the face with how wonderful it felt to not feel like hopeless garbage.

I feel like doing things again – and I can actually enjoy doing the things? It’s not like I’m forcing myself to sit down and do something to try and not be depressed. I’m excited to sit down and freaking make something. I have more patience. I feel like my empathy is returning. I don’t constantly feel like a burden to everyone.  I can sit down and concentrate on things again. (It’s kind of amazing?)

I have my sanity back. And I can’t wait to catch up with all the things I’ve missed. <3

Quilt samplers are not for me…

So I made it to block 30 on the Fusion Sampler quilt (though I have about 60 blocks done – I jumped around a bit because of color/lack of space to keep that many fat quarters flat and neat) before some major depression hit and I was unable to do much of anything until about a week ago.

It was the kind of depression that makes everything feel pointless and hopeless. Every single task was next to impossible. My hobbies felt like joyless, thankless work.  I think the reason I was able to get out of bed was because of my dog – because how can anyone say no to that little face? Not sure any one thing triggered it. Not sure any one thing is making me feel better at the moment. Just actively trying to reconnect with the things that used to/should make me happy and not stress about things out of my control.

Which was not the Fusion Sampler quilt.

I want to stress that this pattern is magnificent and beautiful and so wonderfully put together. I regret nothing, except the fact that I’m apparently not in the right headspace to be able to do something that intricate. (I’m also currently lacking dedicated sewing space, and setting up a table, gathering my tools, etc. takes up about half of the time I set aside to sew every day, which is a bummer.) Someday I’m going to pick it back up again and finish it.

For now, I’m forcing myself to do simple things. Currently working on a small quilt for Ruby (I’m currently hand-stitching the binding) and the Rail Fence poppy jelly roll quilt I started about a year ago.  I got frustrated after only four blocks and sat it aside.  I was not experienced enough to know that a) you don trim jelly rolls like that and b) as long as simple blocks like this are the same size, it doesn’t really matter that the size isn’t perfect. (This particular quilt has been pinned, and will be machine quilted over this long weekend over many a strawberry margarita.)

Here’s to getting something done and possibly enjoying it along the way.